It’s been a while since we’ve heard from The Donald, so I think it’s time for the second episode of The Apprentice: Children’s Lit Edition. (Click for the first episode.)
INT. – THE BOARD ROOM
Again, Team Metaphor is in the boardroom. The Donald sits in front of our 5 losing contestants, head and hair in his hands. His celebrity guest judge, Holden Caulfield, sits beside him.
This week’s challenge was tough, I’ll give you that. Writing a picture book isn’t for the faint of heart. And six year olds, they’re a tough audience. But Team Simile stomped all over you guys again. What’s going on here? Holden, what did you think of their picture book?
It was terrible. They’re all a bunch of phonies. Nancy versus The Gilly Monster? Phony.
Peeta, you were the project manager. Didn’t you think that the book was a little too autobiographical? That perhaps it would have been better if your teammates didn’t insert themselves into the story?
Well, my research showed that kids love a villain. And Gilly is pretty monstrous.
It’s true. I should have been a huge hit! I don’t understand. Stupid six-year-olds, they just don’t know how truly scary a Gilly Monster can be. You bet I’m going to show them next time…
Ladies, ladies – I want to hear from Peeta.
Well sir, it was the best idea we had, and I thought that Gilly and Nancy did a fine job with the writing. It’s the only time I’ve seen them cooperate since we got here, honestly.
Ramona, you’re close in age to the readership —
RAMONA QUIMBY (Age 8 )
I am eight! Picture books are for babies!
CHARLOTTE (of the Web)
Well now, I still enjoy a good picture book!
Did you enjoy this one?
Well, we all did the best we could —
Charlotte, who do you think I should fire?
Well, I think that Ramona’s illustrations left a little to be desired.
It’s not like I’ve had a chance to go to art school. I’m only eight!
What was that, Holden?
She’s being phony. First she’s too old for the project because she’s eight, and then she’s too young to be expected to do a good job because she’s eight. It’s even worse that she’s a phony because she is only eight. Phoebe would never do something like that.
(Her eyes tear up and she slams her fists on the table.)
I’m not a PHONY!
That’s enough! Peeta, I think you should have been more involved with the writing. As an editor, you failed the team. Charlotte, as someone with some media experience and thousands of children, I would have expected you to also lend a leg to your struggling team. But Ramona, being eight is no excuse for poor illustrations.
(The room gasps — is Donald really going to fire an eight-year-old?)
Ramona – you’re fired!